26th April

Today is the 26th April. It's a Monday morning and the weather is rubbish. After having temperatures close to 20 degrees for the past week its looking rather grey outside at the moment.
Just had breakfast in bed courtesy of my mummy! I feel I am putting huge stress on my family. I seem pretty upbeat about it, cracking jokes about my huge brain. However in all honesty I am shitting myself. The idea of having my skull cut open scares me half to death. I just can't seem to tell people. I mean people keep telling me "how brave" I am. How they "couldn't act the way I am l, in face of such life changing news" I guess I don't want people to know I am scared, I want to put a brave face on it, in order to make people feel that it's not that bad, not going to affect me. I downplay my headaches, pushing myself too far to 'prove' I am doing fine. This then makes sleeping very difficult as my headache is always worse in the evening, and if I've pushed myself during the day, it makes it even worse. I need to find the balance of letting people know how much it hurts and protecting people. Not quite found that balance, I need to soon. The doctors are hoping to have me operated on and recovered by the new school year in September, which gives me about four months.

I've hardly slept for the past week or so. Seem to be cat napping. I'll go to be at about 10.30 and sleep for a hour or so before waking up for a hour or so. This happens all night till I get bored of it somewere between 7 and 10am.

I have a hospital appointment later today, with my orthopedic consultant about my rubbish hand. I am fairly sure he is going to hear my news about my CM and dismiss me from his clinic. I've been to see Mr. Hargreaves about 4 times and I don't think my hand is due to any problem he could solve, I think it's to do with my CM! The worst thing is he is always running super behind. This is massivly annoying when you are waiting but really good when you are in seeing him as he is very thorough. My appointment is at 13.35, however I will probably be seen closer to 3 o'clock.

I shall update this in due course.