One day, I will be fine.

I know, I know, I have been slacking with the carnival. Between going back to work, having my ICP bolt done, breaking my foot and feeling crappy I just have been lazy.

This months carnival theme is How are you doing? Theme: Finally answering truthfully.

How am I doing? My normal response would be the generic, FINE! I am fine! I am grand! I feel great! Normally, these would be lies.

Most days I am able to look "normal" look fine. However internally I am feeling rubbish.

I feel I have lost a fair amount, quite a lot physically. I just try and remember that I am not about what my body allows me to do. That does not define oneself. The question is are we our bodies or our minds? Things I have lost are important to me because they help define who I am, don't they? I was a good musician, a good teacher, and enthusiastic person. Now, I am getting back into work, playing music again, much worse than before, due to sore hands. I was thinking of all I have lost and I have lost a lot, but something within me fights against that train of thought. Although some of the physical may have gone, some for ever, some not so, the essence of who I am stays strong. Who I am is still very much alive and functional. People need to remember this distinction. One can work as hard as they want on anything that they think will help to shape who they are, but if one does not know who they are without all of that, then when it comes to the time to rely solely on their personal strength they may falter. I am still trying to learn the new me, the real essence of myself. No one will ever reach true happiness unless they realise there is always a ceiling, a point where you have pushed yourself to be the person you will be happy with, not perfect, but fine.

So maybe one day, maybe in the near future, maybe along my long and winding path, I will be able to look someone square in the eyes and say I AM FINE!