Saturday, 31 July 2010

Feeling sorry for myself!

Been feeling very sorry for myself for the last few days. I know I should't but I just can't help myself.
I feel like this has changed my life, and in no way has it been for the better. So I either have the option of being in pain for ever, or to have a massive, and painful operation. And I really want the operation, so being informed I need to wait until October to see my neurosurgeon, has made me feel rubbish.
I can't help but worry about work, If I go back then I don't feel I will be able to do my job well, and I think it will make me MUCH worse. If I don't go back and wait for the operation then my sick pay will run out and then I will be screwed as well. So do I worry about myself, or my money.
It almost feels like people have forgotten I am unwell. And I don't for a moment want people to always be reminding me of it, but I dunno I just wish people would understand what's going on, walk some time in my shoes.
Try and imagine what happens to me all day, every day.
If I stand up my head hurts, if I sit down my head hurts.
If I turn my head then my head spins, my eyes fight to focus, making me feel sick. I feel like I am going to pass out. And this doesn't happen every so often, its all the time, every time I change position, or move slightly.
Every time I cough my head hurts.
Every time I stretch my head hurts.
Every time I laugh my head hurts.
Every time I cry my head hurts.
Every time I shout my head hurts.
Every time I bend down my head hurts.
Every time I lift something my head hurts.
When I walk, I feel like I am walking on bumpy ground. This isn't too bad, but if I am tired then I walk like I am pissed. This embarrass me massively. I hate people seeing me sway and walk funny. A lady was staring at me today. I was walking to my car and was wobbly, stumbling over my feet. She clearly thought I was drink driving. Makes me sad, if I was older then that probably wouldn't be her first thought. So clearly she felt staring at me was okay. =[

I know this just sounds like I am sounding off about how horrid things are. I appreciate that things could be worse, and it makes me sad =[
For everything a reason, so this is only going to make me stronger, but right now, stuck in the centre, I don't know how and it doesn't feel like it will ever happen!

I guess I have to realise that only others with Chiari can accept what is happening. If I had been asked to imagine, last year, the pain and isolation that I am feeling, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I may have thought someone with my condition was laying it on thick. No matter how close I am to someone, if they don't have Chiari they don't understand. As one of my closest friends said to me today "I am fed up of you being ill" Sorry!

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